And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
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Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.