The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
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[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.