I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
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Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
My last name is Zilla.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues