i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
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(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.