Me, scrolling to find my birth year
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What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go