Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
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*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.