house sitting!
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Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.