*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
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toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.