[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
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Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁