I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
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Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I told my vodka about you.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.