Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
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if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
When you kidnap a writer.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.