Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
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okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.