turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
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Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
This forever.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.