I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
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Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion