Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
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If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow