The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
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this is so top tier i cant
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
guilty
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….