I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
You Might Also Like
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Cndnsd Mlk
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*