Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
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Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Okay
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.