doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
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[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
They’re stuck in your pants?
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.