The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
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-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day