people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
You Might Also Like
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.