*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
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My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
This is what makes twitter great
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?