me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
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[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
an octopus is just a wet spider
Fat chances are my favorite chances
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*