I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
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So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.