Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
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So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Pikachu found the lost joint
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats