Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
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[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?