I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
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Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer