One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
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Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.