My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
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My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah