I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
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I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.