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[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
There is no try. There is only give up.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.