I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
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I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*