Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
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Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
“I’m helping” 😅
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.