I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
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They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.