Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
You Might Also Like
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Cashiers are always checking me out
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?