[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
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I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
they should invent a rest for the wicked
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.