sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
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This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.