I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
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same energy
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
When I said I liked it rough.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
The devil.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
No way!
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?