*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
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[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
the answer was staring at me all along
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right