MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
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Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I鈥檝e always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
馃寭馃寧馃尀 <– lunar eclipse
馃寧馃寭馃尀 <– solar eclipse
馃寧馃尀馃寳 <– apocalypse
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pok茅mon in there
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.