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You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur