Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
You Might Also Like
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season