*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
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guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness