I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
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Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
worst…sale…ever
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”