My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
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“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Waiting for the Charmin
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
PER MY LAST EMAIL
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids