Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
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Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.