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Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.