Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
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Ghost costume 😂
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.