This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
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[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Flowers bee like
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death