Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
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therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I missed you with all my darts
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.